10.3.10

The Second, in the Evening

When I added the entry from February second, it was only from the morning; I had inadvertently forgotten to include the other two entries that I wrote from that afternoon and evening. Both will be included in this post. I shall respond afterward.


THOUGHTS FROM THE WAITING ROOM:


no one here walks around in just shorts. I had been wondering whether or not it was against the rules, but I don't think so. They hate the thought of bare, exposed thighs as much as I do. We would rather sweat through our layers than allow our legs/arms to see free air.


I see the anorexic girls and a part of me envies their ability to restrict so well. The fact that they starve and I binge makes me feel like more of a glutton and an out-of-control narcissist. But when I challenge these thoughts I can better see that eating disorders, no matter the form they assume, should never be envied. Mine is different from hers, and I should never wish to have one set of symptoms over another. I can sit here and wallow at my "fatness," pine to go for a run and not eat a damn things, but these are the thoughts which landed me here in the first place - and I never want to have to return. This state is just temporary...I must learn to regain respect for my health before I can return to doing the things that I love. How great will that day e? When I will run and feel the thrill of completing a mile, when I will go for picnics at Malabar, when going to a family get-together means pure enjoyment and relaxation.


One day I will no longer have the desire to binge or to restrict. One day I will get back to living and loving and giving back the time and love that has been lost. That day will be soon...I promise.


THOUGHTS BEFORE BED:


tired again tonight. Day two was successfully completed, and I look forward to working hard again tomorrow.


amidst this positivity remains thoughts of hatred and self-loathing. The mirror in our bedroom only serves to remind me of the weight I have gained and the disdain/disgust/repulsion I feel whenever I see myself. I cannot help but to turn sideways, to lift up my shirt, to pull my thighs apart. When I begin to scrutinize myself in this way it reminds me again of my reason for being here. I truly hate the fact that, when  look upon my own reflection, I can seem to find nothing but flaws. I think about how my friends will react to my obvious weigh gain; what will be crossing their minds when they see me next. How will I even face my inadequacy? All of these thoughts reinforce my stay at Renfrew and keep me having to find new and effective ways to overcome them.


earlier today I wrote that all of this is temporary: my body at its current weight/shape, my E.D., my extreme lack of self-worth, even my time here. I will never recover if I choose to remain a victim of my own crimes against myself. Once I get over this hump, I will have the tools necessary to prevent a relapse. Exercise (running) will be a constant part of my daily routine, in a healthy way, and my shape will transform into something healthy, natural, and beautiful. The thing is that I know all of these things will happen, but only I can ensure that the E.D. and all of my negative feeling do not impede this necessary life change.


it was nice to speak with both dad and Mel today. I had totally forgotten about mom's trip to the Windy City; I am sad that she and I could not talk. Hopefully dad and Mel will get my package sent sometime real damn soon - this notebook has only seen two days at Renfrew and is already filling up.


God, I cannot wait to continue working on myself. I am very worthy of all the things which I currently desire for myself (and my family/friends). Soon enough, I will be fully convinced of that.


good night.

Shit. It's nice hearing myself reflected back, reading my own words and listening to that spectral narrator floating in my skull, one who sounds eerily like myself. Everything written in my journals represents my thirst for recovery, for health and for happiness. And even though I find new struggles every single day, sometimes by the hour, I am no longer afraid of facing them and potentially failing. Everything is a choice - the responsibility falls upon my shoulders, and mine alone. I can't tell you how euphoric it feels to truly understand one's own worth. My spirit, mind, and body are all equally beautiful, continually being cultivated by my environment and life experiences; and it's my job to make sure that I choose carefully which routes in life to explore.

Monk.

3 comments:

  1. My darling,
    You are a beautiful soul in a beautiful body. You are such an eloquent writer with such great insight. Even when you think you're in your darkest, you are inspiring and a truly incredible woman. I'm so proud to be your friend! <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. These journal posts are beautiful. I get vacation days in April and I'd love to spend a few of them visiting you and breathing in spring Malabar style, if you'd have me. I can't wait for the journal entry that recounts your realization that washing your jeans weekly is important. <3

    Your phone call gave me goosebumps. hautori@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete